Sunday, November 14, 2010
Kris-incomplete-honest-undone: Birthdays,Blogs & Brain Block
Kris-incomplete-honest-undone: Birthdays,Blogs & Brain Block: "· The obstacles of past scars can be overcome by present truths. Your deliverance will not start in your cir..."
Birthdays,Blogs & Brain Block
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Birthdays & Blogs & Brain Block
So this weekend was my birthday, I actually don’t mind birthdays at all- but this one I actually enjoyed for a change.
I treated myself to a hair cut which does not come easy for the likes of me, my husband and kids stayed at home while I was gone and cleaned it really well and baked a cake for me… very thoughtful. I had a wonderful dinner w/ my family and my cousin who came to visit me and my oldest son actually didn’t have to work and was with us as well for the eve. I have to say receiving birthday cards from my 22 yr old was the highlight for me- sounds strange I am sure but he has been away at college for the last several yrs and his words meant more then I can ever say. I have had so many subjects on my mind over the last 3 days or so to blog about I have now gone into “fuzzy” mode. If I were to write about my entire weekend and all that is on my mind it would first confirm that I am defiantly ADD and secondly make you all wonder if I was on medication- which I will then answer yes- and you would say.. Well, its not working very well is it??!!
I guess my mind never turns off… then add a Sunday sermon to that brain of mine and well we have a party-people!
So as I just vent for the eve- as I think about the week ahead of me, homeschooling, kids scheds, church scheds, medications to pick up for me and my autistic children- household chores I may or may not get done this week, bills to pay- Ponder on commitments I must keep and some I will dread. Letters I would love to write and phone calls I don’t want to make at all… I am thankful for another birthday… I think about my Aunt Judy who would have had her birthday on November 11 and would have been about 64- she passed away 23 yrs ago from cancer and left 3 small children behind ( my cousin Sandi-mentioned above was 7 yrs old)~ she would of given anything to have one more yr with the “to do” list above. She was a wonderful mother- opposite from her only sister. When I sd HONEST.. I meant it. I will try to honor her with my thoughts this week as well as God. As the week continues my mind will spin into more things to write about.. and until then~
What I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it
Only time will tell if it was time well spent.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Kris-incomplete-honest-undone: Generations to come.........
Kris-incomplete-honest-undone: Generations to come.........: "Generations........ I was faced with a strong and difficult conversation today with someone who I would of rather not talked to at all- seem..."
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Generations to come.........
Generations........ I was faced with a strong and difficult conversation today with someone who I would of rather not talked to at all- seems to be a theme in my life these past few weeks. God is working on weeding some things out in my life and that is very obvious to me. To say I come from a dysfunctional family is being very generous and frankly makes my therapist laugh. Toxic is more the word she likes to use. I have learned to live with this fact but it comes with a price tag. Boundaries have been a big part of living this life I now have and I do it with a cost... sometimes it comes in tears... tears of my children who wonder why they can not see family members, thinking that their grandparents do not love them any longer etc... Aunts and Uncles that they do not get to see like other families traditionally do,even at holiday times. My husband and I must stay on course and committed to this family to stay healthy emotionally-spiritually etc... and we know that comes with a cost, like swimming up stream. Its hard to do and we know as I had to deal with today and hear again how my mother "hates" me, this is not the people I want my children to be around and learn from. I know now looking at my children tonight, I have made every choice that has been different from my typical "family" and siblings etc... I am a stay at home mom who home schools her children, I have made it clear that Jesus is Lord of my life, I teach my children to love God in every way possible but also respect themselves enough to make choices-not to be told what to do all the time as little robots. I allow my adult children the room to make decisions to have the relationships with whom they choose- and do not force them to talk to other adults in the family just for sake of family. (( Remember some families are toxic and not healthy)) I don't let people use my children as tools for their emotional manipulation of others. I stand my ground and I don't need my mothers approval for any of the above to be a wonderful loving mom to my own children. I truly know that there will be generations to come that I have broken the chains of dysfunction, alcoholism,drug abuse, sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse- my great great grandchildren will be healthy I pray and I know it will be part of my legacy. For this I am proud- no matter what was said to me today, how this person wanted to hurt me with her words... she will never take that truth away from me... I have peace with that for sure!
The only thing I do wish is I had a mother who I could share all of this with, one who sowed love and not hate and bitterness... that makes me sad- But some day- some day- my daughter & sons and I will have memories for a life time that will honor life, love, happiness and GOD..
The only thing I do wish is I had a mother who I could share all of this with, one who sowed love and not hate and bitterness... that makes me sad- But some day- some day- my daughter & sons and I will have memories for a life time that will honor life, love, happiness and GOD..
Friday, November 5, 2010
November~ a season of change in so many ways~
SO MANY THINGS TO PONDER THIS MORNING
I wake up this morning late for a Friday, but the house is still and quiet... for some people that would be bothersome, I just sit here- listening to the clock and the cats wrestle in the other room. Its a God given moment in my day- I am thankful, I remember back to some days where I thought this house would never be filled with laughter of more than one wonderful child. Now I have 3 in all. November is always a hard month in my life- many birthdays in my family, including mine. Mostly my sister's and younger brother's that I will be missing. Today is my sister Kathy's birthday. I will not talk with her nor even have a chance to say happy birthday, my kids will not surprise their "auntie" with gifts of affection or a homemade card w/glitter as I know they would love to do. Its like history repeating itself- she is my only sister- my sister Suzanne passed away. My mom had only one sister for who she was estranged from until she was months from passing on from cancer~ they were close off and on over the years but you could always feel the tension.
She passed away in her mid 40's leaving 3 young children behind. My brother-Henry's birthday will be in a few days as well- I will call him at least- the only sib out of 5 that I talk to occasionally. Amazing how you can spend over 10 years in therapy to get over so many things that happened in one house and still want a connection with your dysfunctional family. Then something kicks in and says "STOP" I know that for me and my kids this is the healthy way to go and stay.
Never easy during times of celebration or holidays- but they come and go and you are stronger for it.. as I will be one more year. It was never this quiet in my house growing up- certainly not unless it was 2 AM and sometimes not even then. Always fighting-always stress... someone crying.... Its now 9:30 - my kids got to sleep in today- and boy are they taking advantage of it! There is a peace that is settled here in my house, one I am sure I prayed for as a little girl many times over- So thankful my children can claim it as theirs and pass it on to their families some day.
You may think its sad- that I don't have a relationship with some of my closest family- please don't- picture heavy chains falling to the ground after many generations- and me saying to my children- these are not yours to carry~EVER~
((and so I shall write))
I wake up this morning late for a Friday, but the house is still and quiet... for some people that would be bothersome, I just sit here- listening to the clock and the cats wrestle in the other room. Its a God given moment in my day- I am thankful, I remember back to some days where I thought this house would never be filled with laughter of more than one wonderful child. Now I have 3 in all. November is always a hard month in my life- many birthdays in my family, including mine. Mostly my sister's and younger brother's that I will be missing. Today is my sister Kathy's birthday. I will not talk with her nor even have a chance to say happy birthday, my kids will not surprise their "auntie" with gifts of affection or a homemade card w/glitter as I know they would love to do. Its like history repeating itself- she is my only sister- my sister Suzanne passed away. My mom had only one sister for who she was estranged from until she was months from passing on from cancer~ they were close off and on over the years but you could always feel the tension.
She passed away in her mid 40's leaving 3 young children behind. My brother-Henry's birthday will be in a few days as well- I will call him at least- the only sib out of 5 that I talk to occasionally. Amazing how you can spend over 10 years in therapy to get over so many things that happened in one house and still want a connection with your dysfunctional family. Then something kicks in and says "STOP" I know that for me and my kids this is the healthy way to go and stay.
Never easy during times of celebration or holidays- but they come and go and you are stronger for it.. as I will be one more year. It was never this quiet in my house growing up- certainly not unless it was 2 AM and sometimes not even then. Always fighting-always stress... someone crying.... Its now 9:30 - my kids got to sleep in today- and boy are they taking advantage of it! There is a peace that is settled here in my house, one I am sure I prayed for as a little girl many times over- So thankful my children can claim it as theirs and pass it on to their families some day.
You may think its sad- that I don't have a relationship with some of my closest family- please don't- picture heavy chains falling to the ground after many generations- and me saying to my children- these are not yours to carry~EVER~
((and so I shall write))
Monday, November 1, 2010
Kris-incomplete-honest-undone: Moral regulations on your friends- or gentle corre...
Kris-incomplete-honest-undone: Moral regulations on your friends- or gentle corre...: "I have recently been corrected for how I believe from a dear friend that has been in my life for many many years now. However it was not ov..."
Moral regulations on your friends- or gentle correction- all in the name of GOD
WISE AS SERPENTS GENTLE AS DOVES..... DOES NOT TRANSLATE- CLUB ME WITH HIS WORD THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!
I have recently been corrected for how I believe from a dear friend that has been in my life for many many years now. However it was not over my behavior but over how one of my adult children is behaving. The funny thing is, he is behaving pretty well. It really comes down to a moral issue- I believe no matter what we must treat ea person we come into contact with in our lives with love and respect, including our children if not so with more of the above. The great thing is we dont all have to agree with "me". I think the hardest thing for me is when some people do this CORRECTION all in the name of God.... but you dont feel as if there was any GOD in it at all.... Now I understand there will be and will forever be many different opinions on this issue. Where I stand is this- Love your God with all your heart- lean not onto your own understanding- acknowledge Him in all you do and he will make your path straight....I cannot speak for my adult children and how they want to follow God or where their faith is leading them. I can say that I as a mom did all I could to teach them in the way I know was right and to love God and others w/ out conditions and to have a moral core in them that they would be proud of. When they get older they dont always do what you think they should, they have to make choices on their own- but we as parents need to love them- support them as much as we can w/ out hurting others. I look at each of my children with such amazement- one has had to over come such prejudice in many areas and with great confidence and success's, another who has a disability and is dealing with all that entails and doing it with such strength and love and last my little girl who still is finding her way but doing it with a boldness and will stand up for injustice in a heart beat. Each of them are so unique and amazing- I am beyond blessed to have these children in my life- as one of these kids told me last week... the wonderful part of having kids is not that they turn out to be mirror images of you as parents but so different and all the best parts of you show- how amazing is that- I had to agree... AMAZING~ and to have God be part of this puzzle we are in makes it worth every heartbeat, even if it means losing some other people in the process- my thought will always be GOD first- Family second- Friends third.... and so on...
I have recently been corrected for how I believe from a dear friend that has been in my life for many many years now. However it was not over my behavior but over how one of my adult children is behaving. The funny thing is, he is behaving pretty well. It really comes down to a moral issue- I believe no matter what we must treat ea person we come into contact with in our lives with love and respect, including our children if not so with more of the above. The great thing is we dont all have to agree with "me". I think the hardest thing for me is when some people do this CORRECTION all in the name of God.... but you dont feel as if there was any GOD in it at all.... Now I understand there will be and will forever be many different opinions on this issue. Where I stand is this- Love your God with all your heart- lean not onto your own understanding- acknowledge Him in all you do and he will make your path straight....I cannot speak for my adult children and how they want to follow God or where their faith is leading them. I can say that I as a mom did all I could to teach them in the way I know was right and to love God and others w/ out conditions and to have a moral core in them that they would be proud of. When they get older they dont always do what you think they should, they have to make choices on their own- but we as parents need to love them- support them as much as we can w/ out hurting others. I look at each of my children with such amazement- one has had to over come such prejudice in many areas and with great confidence and success's, another who has a disability and is dealing with all that entails and doing it with such strength and love and last my little girl who still is finding her way but doing it with a boldness and will stand up for injustice in a heart beat. Each of them are so unique and amazing- I am beyond blessed to have these children in my life- as one of these kids told me last week... the wonderful part of having kids is not that they turn out to be mirror images of you as parents but so different and all the best parts of you show- how amazing is that- I had to agree... AMAZING~ and to have God be part of this puzzle we are in makes it worth every heartbeat, even if it means losing some other people in the process- my thought will always be GOD first- Family second- Friends third.... and so on...
(( so I shall write.....))
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