SO MANY THINGS TO PONDER THIS MORNING
I wake up this morning late for a Friday, but the house is still and quiet... for some people that would be bothersome, I just sit here- listening to the clock and the cats wrestle in the other room. Its a God given moment in my day- I am thankful, I remember back to some days where I thought this house would never be filled with laughter of more than one wonderful child. Now I have 3 in all. November is always a hard month in my life- many birthdays in my family, including mine. Mostly my sister's and younger brother's that I will be missing. Today is my sister Kathy's birthday. I will not talk with her nor even have a chance to say happy birthday, my kids will not surprise their "auntie" with gifts of affection or a homemade card w/glitter as I know they would love to do. Its like history repeating itself- she is my only sister- my sister Suzanne passed away. My mom had only one sister for who she was estranged from until she was months from passing on from cancer~ they were close off and on over the years but you could always feel the tension.
She passed away in her mid 40's leaving 3 young children behind. My brother-Henry's birthday will be in a few days as well- I will call him at least- the only sib out of 5 that I talk to occasionally. Amazing how you can spend over 10 years in therapy to get over so many things that happened in one house and still want a connection with your dysfunctional family. Then something kicks in and says "STOP" I know that for me and my kids this is the healthy way to go and stay.
Never easy during times of celebration or holidays- but they come and go and you are stronger for it.. as I will be one more year. It was never this quiet in my house growing up- certainly not unless it was 2 AM and sometimes not even then. Always fighting-always stress... someone crying.... Its now 9:30 - my kids got to sleep in today- and boy are they taking advantage of it! There is a peace that is settled here in my house, one I am sure I prayed for as a little girl many times over- So thankful my children can claim it as theirs and pass it on to their families some day.
You may think its sad- that I don't have a relationship with some of my closest family- please don't- picture heavy chains falling to the ground after many generations- and me saying to my children- these are not yours to carry~EVER~
((and so I shall write))
